Minion by maillllllllllll.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Quotes from all the books!

It took me FOREVER (an afternoon) to gather all the GOOD quotes from the entire Skulduggery Pleasant series and put them in one place, but here they are, quotes from all 7 books.

p.s. There were a lot from Death Bringer.
p.p.s No, no I don't expect you to read them all.
p.p.p.s Or any, for that matter.
But they are HILARIOUS.


-         “Doors are for people with no imagination.”

-         “What is it?' Stephanie whispered.
'That, my dear Valkyrie, is what we call a monster.'
She looked at Skulduggery. 'You don't know what it is, do you?'
'I told you what it is, it's a horrible monster. Now shut up before it comes over here and eats us.”

-         “Are you kidding? I jumped off a building -- of course I'm hurt.”

-         “I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.”

-         “Found something?
No, sorry. I thought I had but, no, it turned out to be, uh, more floor.”

-         “What would killing the Elders result in?"
"Panic? Fear? Three empty parking spaces in the Sanctuary?”

-         “The world is bigger than you know, and scarier than you might imagine. The only currency worth anything is being true to yourself, and the only goal worth seeking is finding out who you truly are.”

-         “Are you taking my hat hostage?”

-         “Valkyrie: You are such a moron
Skulduggery: Don't be jealous of my genius.”

-         “Theres no such thing as winning or losing. There is won and there is lost, there is victory and defeat. There are absolutes. Everything in between is still left to fight for. Serpine will have won only when there is no one left to stand against him. Until then, there is only the struggle, because tides do what tides dothey turn.

-         “You're not stealing anything, you're not breaking anything, so I'd guess you're Stephanie.”

-         “I woke up, a bag of bones. Literally. They had gathered up my bones and put them in a bag and thrown the bag into a river.”

-         “I love you all, even those I dont
particularly like. That
s you, Beryl.

-         “Every solution to every problem is simple. It's the distance between the two where the mystery lies.”

-         “Wait, do they even know I'm coming with you?"
"No. But they like surprises. Almost always.”



-         Only a heathen would bring a gun to a sword fight.'
And only a moron would bring a sword to a gunfight.

-         We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.'

-         Vengeous scowled. 'As you can see,' he said, 'you are vastly outnumbered.
I usually am.
Your situation has become quite untenable.
It usually does.
You are within moments of being swarmed by these filthy creatures of undeath and torn apart in a maelstrom of pain and fury.
Skulduggery paused.
Okay, that's a new one on me.

-         So that plan worked out well.
Skulduggery, your entire plan consisted of, and I quote, Let's get up close and then see what happens.
All the same, he said, I think the whole thing worked out rather beautifully.

-         That's beautiful,' Valkyrie said, looking at it.
Isn't it? This necklace has cost two very fine men their lives. At times, I wear it in tribute to their sacrifice. Other times, I wear it because it goes with this skirt.

-         We didn't die, she said.
Of course not. I'm too clever to die, and you're too pretty.
I am pretty, Valkryie said, managing a grin.

-         What is it with you women?" he yelled, kicking at the air. "You come into our lives, you take everythin'! Throughout the years you got little pieces of me, of my very SOUL, and NOW? Now you got my damn straight razor! How am I supposed to kill people? How am I supposed to even SHAVE?

-         Well, to put it delicately, she has the power to suck out people's brains.

-         Come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough

-         They might be kittens," she said hopefully.
"They're stalking us."
"They might be shy."
"I don't think it's kittens, Valkyrie."
"Puppies, then?

-         Guild doesn't like me."
"That's true."
"He doesn't like you, ether."
"That is mystifying.

-         I used to be so good at that kind of thing," Skulduggery said quietly.
"Well, my morale is certainly boosted," Valkyrie informed him.
"God no. That was terrible

-         You've been reading Gordan's book again, haven't you?"
"It's a white-knuckle roller-coaster ride," she mumbled.



-         “Then I reckon we got ourselves a good old-fashioned standoff."
Nobody moved, or said anything, for the next few moments.
"Old-fashioned standoffs are mighty borin”

-         “I'm sorry, I don't know what any of you want, or why guns and knives are being waved around, or why the girl has just been taken hostage, but everyone seems to be acting like having a TALKING SKELETON in the room is perfectly normal. And you, where are your eyes? How can you see? How come the only people with eyes in this room are me and her?”

-         “That's a shame. I'm sure somebody, somewhere, cares.”

-         “Clarabelle laughed like she'd just heard the funniest thing ever. "Of course you HOPE you won't die, Valkyrie! Who would HOPE to die? That's just SILLY! But you probably WILL die, that's what I'm saying. Don't you think so?”

-         “Its fairly standard. Also, Im fourteen. Also, your
s stupid.
Isnt this fun? Skulduggery said brightly. The three of us
getting along so well.

-         You don't treat me like a child."
He smiled. "Of course I do, but you seem to have this ridiculous notion that being treated like a child means to be treated with less respect than an adult.”


-         “Well, for future reference, this is my serious face.”

-         “Valkyrie, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your friend is most likely dead.”
“Of course he
s dead. Hes a skeleton.

-         “Her father sagged as relief spread through him. “I thought
something awful was happening.”
She frowned. “Something awful was happening. It could have
got stuck in my hair.”

-         “He stepped closer to her. "Thank you for saving me," he said softly, and wrapped the bones of his arms around her. Valkyrie smiled and hugged him back.”

-         “Seeing you with a face would be weird. Do you think you'd have hair?”

“Oh yes. Hair is a must.”

“Would you have a moustache?”

“Why would I have a moustache?”

“I'm not sure. What about ears?”

“I'd have ears too.“

“I can't imagine you with ears.”

-         “Sometimes I wish you could drive a less noticeable car.”

“I can. I just choose not to.”



-         “Valkyrie patted Fletchers arm. Dont worry, she said. If the bad man comes, Ill protect you.
If the bad man comes, Fletcher responded, Ill bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.”
“We make a great team.”
“Just don
t forget to stand in front of me the whole time, he said.

-         “The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. “Im Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly
narcissistic. I
m lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then Ive always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?
I am.
Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel weve become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?
Sure, Kenny said, slightly bafed.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Its important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. Its important we build up a level of trust. That way Ill catch you completely unprepared when I
suddenly accuse you of murder.

-         “We punch people, Valkyrie. Thats who we are. Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.

-         “You think Bernadette Maguire killed him?”
no. Shes, like I said, shes old.
Old people can kill people too.
I know, but
She could be a ninja.
Shes not a ninja, for Gods sake. Shes somebodys great grandmother.
I want you to think carefully about this, Kenny. Have you ever seen her with a sword?”
“How about throwing stars?”
“This is ridiculous.”
“Have you ever seen her dressed up as a ninja? That would have been my
rst clue.
The girl sucked in her cheeks so she wouldn't laugh out loud.

-         “We're not really intruding," he called down. "This is all a big misunderstanding."
"Stop right there!" shouted one of them.
Skulduggery held his hand to an ear he didn't have.
"What's that?"
"Keep going?"
"OK, we'll keep going.”

-          “The rain battered the cottage. Valkyrie risked a look up at Skulduggery.
“What is it?” she whispered.
s a box, he whispered back.
What kind of box?
A wooden one.
She gave him a look.


-         “I kill a sofa for you and you go and sit in a chair?” Skulduggery asked. “I dont think you appreciate the sacrifice that has been made for you.”


-         “I think zombies are kind of cute.”
“I may be thinking about bunnies. Which one has the fluffy little tail, zombies or bunnies?”
“Then it
s bunnies Im thinking of.


-         “By the way, all joking aside, do I call you Ghastly or Elder Bespoke?'
'You can call me whatever you like.'
Vex nodded. 'Thank you, Gladys.”


-         “He crouched at the car window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.”


-         “You're bored, aren't you.'
'I need constant distraction. Shall we go?'
'Uh, aren't you supposed to delegate responsibility or something? If you're not here, who's in charge?'
Skulduggery looked around and pointed to a sorcerer at the far side of the cemetery. 'He is.'
'Who is he?'
'Don't know. He looks like leadership material, though, doesn't he?'
'Does he?'
'He's wearing a hat.'
'And that means he's a leader?'
'Leaders wear hats. It's to keep the rain off while we make important decisions. He'll do fine.'
'Shouldn't you tell him that he's in charge?'
'And spoil the surprise?”


-         “Valkyrie dialed Skulduggery's number and he picked up. 'Hey,' she said, 'It's me.'
Skulduggery paused. 'No it's not. If it were me, then I'd be talking to myself, and I don't do that any more. I certainly don't RING myself. That's one of the first signs of madness, and if it's not, it should be.'
She sighed. 'Are you finished talking nonsense?'
'I haven't talked nonsense all morning. I miss it.”


-         “You want to see safe hands?' her dad asked. He went to the fruit bowl on the side of the table, took two apples and proceeded to juggle them. 'See? Safe as anything.'
'Are you proposing you juggle our newborn child?'
'Of course not,' he said. 'I'd only be able to juggle her if you'd had twins. Otherwise it would just be throwing.'
(...) 'From this moment on, I will be the best father the world has ever seen. Wifey, may I please hold my child?'
Valkyrie's mum looked at him suspiciously. 'When you hold a baby, what's the most important thing to remember?'
'Not to drop it,' he said proudly.
'Well, yes, well done dear, but I was thinking more about how you hold the baby.'
'Ah,' he said, 'Of course. The secret to holding a baby is to pick it up by the scruff of its neck.'
'You're thinking of kittens.'
'Pick it up by the ears, then.'
'You're thinking of nothing.'
'Can I please just hold her?'
'I don't think that's wise.'
'A lot of things aren't wise, Melissa. Is crossing the road with your eyes closed wise? No, but I do it anyway.'
His wife nodded. 'Stephanie, you are in charge of teaching Alice how to cross the road.”

-         “I'm sorry,' said the shopkeeper. 'I can't understand your ridiculous accent.'
'My accent?'
'It is quite silly.'
'So you can't understand me?'
'Not a word.'
'Then how did you understand that?'
'I didn't.'
''You didn't understand what I just said?'
'That's right.'
'You understood that, though.'
'Not at all.'
The American glowered.”

-         “I have sought you out to cure me.'
'To cure you of what?'
'Of this cursed affliction.'
'I cannot cure stupidity.'
Scapegrace frowned.”

-         Caelen glared. 'Stop insulting me.'
'Why? If you cry will your mascara run?”

-         “You're late,' he said.
'I'm beautiful.'
'You're always beautiful.'
'I'm always late too.”

-         “You're in a bad mood,' Skulduggery said. 'I understand. I do. You're saying things that you don't really mean. It's OK.'
'I'll kill you both.'
'Hurtful things said in the heat of the moment. We're not going to hold it against you, Bison. We're all friends here.'
Valkyrie nodded. 'We love you Bison.'
'We do,' Skulduggery agreed. 'You're our favourite Necromancer. You're the cuddly one.'
'Shut up,' Dragonclaw said. 'Both of you just shut up.”

-         “I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.”

-         'Take our daughter,' Valkryie's dad said, waving a hand airily. 'We have another one now.”

“You should have called us. Desmond would have picked you up.'
- 'No I wouldn't,' Valkyrie's dad said, stepping into earshot. 'Sorry, Fletcher, but I had important fatherly duties to take care of, which included eating breakfast, showering, and finding my trousers. Of those three, I only managed two. Without looking down, can you guess which one I missed?'

-         “Every human being who has ever lived has the same potential in them for good and evil. Mortal or sorcerer, it doesn't matter. Power has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Mevolent. Serpine. Hitler. Lord Vile. Darquesse. We're all the same."
"You just put me on a list with Hitler."
"You're going to start sulking again, aren't you?”

-         “But if you can confront your inner demons"
"I did confront my inner demon. I punched him in the face and he exploded."
Valkyrie had to laugh. "But now he's back."
"Of course he's back. He's resourceful. He is my inner demon, after all.”

-         “I cross the place where my heart used to be and hope to be even deader than I am now.”

-         “Here she is,” her mum said, cooing at the baby, “my special girl.”
“Oh, cheers,” Valkyrie said, rolling her eyes.”

-         “Life isn't fair,' Skulduggery said. 'In my experience, death isn't so different.”

-         “Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.

-         'I was trying to make up the sofa bed so you could get some rest,' he explained, and pointed to the second sofa across the room. 'Unfortunately, it would appear that that is the sofa bed, and this, apparently, is just a sofa.”

-         “So what does that actually mean?'
'To be honest, Ghastly, I haven't a bull's notion.'
'Elder Bespoke should be addressed by his full title,' Tipstaff said.
'Of course,' Skulduggery said. 'To be honest, Your Highness, I haven't a bull's notion.”

-         “And then the Necromancers pulled out their sub-atomic machine guns.”

-         “Just because an apple falls one hundred times out of a hundred does not mean it will fall on the hundred and first.”

-         “We may need to focus here.'
'Right. Yes. OK. Turn around.'
'Are you going to throw something at me?'
'What? No, I'm getting out of bed.”

-         “That was a good day for me," Skulduggery said. "I didn't have to hit anyone. I didn't have to shoot anyone. I just sat around and talked to my good friend and partner, Valkyrie Cain.”

-         “Do you think it would be quite so easy to kill them now that your weapon has been destroyed?' he sneered. 'No,' she said, frowning at him, 'Obviously not.”

-         “They faced each other. 'I'm going to enjoy this,'Melancholia said.
'I daresay I'm not.”

-         “You are a cynical man, Mr. Pleasant."
"We live in cynical times, Miss Cain.”



-         “He could be a butterfly dreaming he's a man."
"Well, he's not. He's a big fat man dreaming he's a big fat butterfly.”

-         “I had an uneventful few days," it told her. "The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think."
"No, they won't," Valkyrie said, frowning. "They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them."
"That's what I told him," the reflection nodded. "I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college."
Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. "What did you say?"
"I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention.”

-         “Emergency Valve Regulators," she repeated. "So you do know what your doing?
"Not really," he said yanking another wire. 'I made up that term to keep you happy. I'm just pulling all the red wires because they're the pretty ones.”

-         “It's a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don't you think?"
"It does much more that that," Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.
His eyes widened. "What wonder is this?"
"It's called Angry Birds. Now do you believe me?”

-         “What?" she asked again.
He pointed ahead of them. "See that?"
"What, the snow?"
"Beyond that."
"More snow?"
"Stop looking at the snow.”

-         “Can I ask you a question? You know with vampires and werewolves and goblins and things, is there any mythological creature that doesn't actually exist?"
"Of course," he replied. "The unicorn and the leprechaun would be would be the two main ones. The Loch Ness Monster isn't real, either, that's just someone called Bert.”

-         “You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.”

-         “Skulduggery."
Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment.
"I'm sorry, what are we doing now?"
"Shaking hands," Fletcher said. "Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know.
"You look a lot like him."
"Well, yeah, but-"
"And you have the same ridiculous hair."
"Can we just shake hands?"
"Of course we can," Skulduggery said, and they shook. "Now what?"
"I, uh...I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands?"
"Generally, the first thing they do is let go."
"Oh, right," Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. "So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie.
"It's blue."
"And such a nice shade."
Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. "You promised me he wouldn't be annoying.”

-         “You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The last
present you gave me was a stick.”
“You wanted a weapon.”
“It was a stick.”
“It had a bow on it.”
“It was a stick.”
“I thought you liked the stick. You laughed.”

-         “He said a bad word. Do you want to know what it was? It started with F. It's not the one you're thinking of, though. To the other one. The one that ends with P. do you want to know what it was? It was froop." She frowned. "Wait that's not a word.”

-         “Mostly we've had to found ways to amuse ourselves."
"Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"
Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."
He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.
Then they both let go, laughing.
"Naw," Plight said, we just play board games."
..."she fell for it!" gasped Lenka. "She fell for the human sacrifice bit!”

-         “People!" she screamed. "There are people here! New people!”


  1. You've got to add my favourite one to the first one!

    "I swear, Skulduggery, you had better give me a straight answer or I'm going to find the biggest dog you've ever seen and making him dig a hole and bury you in it."

    Also, I don't think "You're a moron" and "Don't be jealous of my genius" are in the first book. I've got that book memorized cover to cover.